Clean Slate

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For the past four months I have been battling with what to write here. I had a lot to write about but I didn’t have the appropriate time to share. I write with my gut. It’s a good and a bad thing. Every time I wanted to post something…say out of an intuition to share, that particular situation changed. I guess it’s the right time?…or not but at least for the people who have been requesting me to write-I get to share something more so because some of you could relate.

I consider myself as an open book, and this post could be a bit personal but I hope it will be worth it.

Towards the end of last year, the final months of 2016 I think-yes I think I had some sort of depression. I would cry for no reason. Just in the house and no onions involved and I would be overwhelmed with emotions. It was terrible really. These are some of the things which are hard to share. Conversations would be awkward.

Me: Hey XX

XX: Hey Corrie, Wassup.

Me: So I’m so emotional. I keep crying all the time.

XX: Oh I’m sorry wassup?

Me: Nothing. I just cry for no reason.

XX: Ahh okaaaaaayyyy

XX:Is there something wrong? Someone hurt you? Anything?

Me: No everything is perfectly fine. I just feel empty and then I cry.

Anyway I found it difficult to share. I was the most jovial chatty person in a room yet deep down I was destroyed by emptiness. It sucked! I would deactivate(a couple of times) my Facebook/Instagram accounts because it pissed me off to see how happy people were online and yet I was sulking in nothingness.

I got to share on my Facebook, sometime in December and some close friends reached out. Fast forward to January, I got to spend time with my closest friends in Nyeri and Naromoru. It was an eye opener for me. Most of all I think one of the people who contributed to bringing back my sanity was one of my great friends G. He really encouraged me-sometimes not even knowing what was up with me. But he was there. To make me laugh, tease me and just be my friend. That was special.

You know how you toy with an idea and seek clarity within yourself to see if you can embrace an idea? And then someone comes along and everything is crystal. That’s what happened. I decided to make it official with my maker and that’s one decision which changed my life completely.

Clarity is a good thing but it stings when it becomes so real that it defines your environment. Breaks the norms. Scares you because you are uncertain of the future. It was never my intention to break away from some social circles-it just got to a point when I realised that damn Corrie, you are not a priority in those who you considered dear. I will not lie to you, we come up with all these friendship quotes of defining best friends and letting go those who are not worth your time/life, but when you realise that you are the one on the other side it pricks! But I guess that’s the path I chose. You see when you embrace change, and a fraction of your culture changes, not many people will walk with you. When you were always the life of the party, the cheerleader and you realise that no one is there to cheer for you, you start walking a different direction. I love people. But I have just learnt to love myself first. I may end up being there for each and every person in my life but if I am not there for me, then I might probably go back to that empty hole.

This journey has taught me to be real with people. Say no. Say yes. Claim that which is mine. Define my intentions in things. Exclusively express myself whenever I feel I need to. Have no apologies when it comes to prioritising myself if need be.

A friend of mine told/asked me… Corrie you are a people’s person, but would you rather have so many friends or have very few who intimately know you and genuinely love you without motives? Of course I would rather have a few but this does not mean that I won’t try to be there for those who I possibly don’t consider close. Why I’m I talking about friends-because I think they define our environment/life. Cliche as it may sound it’s just one of those things which I’m learning. A journey of friendships. Some of you could relate.  Again we like to define and give titles to friendships-God knows I love to do this, but lately I am trying so hard not to define them but to just know who is in my corner. To know who I cherish and who deserves my time. Years don’t define friendship, let that not yoke you to glorify people. ‘Tumetoka mbali’ ideologies.  I have turned down so many hook ups just to be alone in a movie theater and it is damn refreshing! I always thought I loved my time, but now I know how to cherish it. Don’t be scared to be alone. The right people in your life will come through. Don’t be scared to be real. Don’t be scared to lose out on opportunities because you have to fake it, just be real. Don’t be scared to keep your achievements to yourself and those who matter. Nowadays I don’t find the need to share especially if I feel like I’m forcing myself to share. Don’t be scared to only share your worries with a few people. The moment you do you… and listen to you that’s the moment your journey of refreshment starts. All in all don’t let pride take over your life-Article for another day 🙂

Clarity and wisdom can come from everywhere, but choose to sieve and pray for your own clear path.

Why haven’t I written for 5 months? Because I had nothing to say yet a lot to share.

My clean slate? A new journey. Is it easy? Hahaha hell NO! But as my heart guides and as God wills.  Chin up! You got this!

God Bless!

FYI: Check out my interview on NTV, Victoria’s Lounge.

 

 

Fighting The Guilt. UN-Inspired!

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Today was just one of those days! You know the ones you don’t want to feel inspired. Or talk to anyone?

No one hurt you. You just feel lifeless!

Like a wound that doesn’t hurt but makes you numb.

You try some soliloquy on different social media sites.

But still nothing!
So I had a conversation over the weekend with a friend on some sort of battles

‘Hence this write up’
Like I keep hitting a snag

I need a way around but I am still stuck

Stuck with this bug that I keep going back to…

You know when you are in a hole.

But there is light and warmth.

Yet inside you, you feel dark?

Smiles on the outside

But numbness on the inside?

Chasing and spending on irrelevance?

Shadowed by the unnecessary?

Clouded by living in a moment?

Yet guilty thoughts crowd you?

He told me to pray.

But sometimes I forget how to

I haven’t talked to my maker in a while

Well maybe through music

Have you ever felt like this?

Oh well…

Writing makes me feel that even numb wounds can heal

That emptiness can be filled

Filled with that which you seek

You can heal from your guilt

From your mistakes

And sometimes sharing is hard

So this is me;

Shining a light to those who have felt like this

Who are still feeling like this

It’s okay to have bad days

Because healing takes time…

And when it comes,

Healing will put you at ease

And peace will reign.

I hope my days brighten up!

@corriemwende #MissWriter

30 I Welcome You.

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It’s 22:30, 12th September. Tomorrow I turn 30…(but for most of you reading this are probably reading it on the 13th-or an after date).

I’m not writing because I feel inspired to write tonight. No. I just feel like there are things I have learnt in my three decades here on earth that would be worth sharing to my unborn kids.

I don’t know if God will bless me with kids. But I believe in His promises and believe He has the best in store for me. So if you are reading this son and daughter then God’s promise has come true. If not then the kids of this world will get to pick something from my life.

Dear Son and Daughter,

Hi. Okay the thought of having kids just made my heart skip a bit. By the time you are reading this, probably blogs will be so outdated and if the webs would occupy dust and cobwebs then likely that’s what will happen to this blog. I hope the literature on such platforms becomes like a scroll you would hunt to get some wealth of knowledge.

So I am turning 30. They call it third floor. Scary to believe that I have grown to this age. Brave to see what the world holds for me. Challenged to be a better woman.

I don’t feel old. Not yet. I feel like life has just begun for me. The past three years of my life have been rough but a blessing too.

There are five things that have become such a priority for me. God. Family. Friendship. Career. Service.

At some point I battled with my Christianity. I was fighting with so many social demons. Fighting with this God who was not blessing me. My friends at the time were doing so great and I admired how independent one could be. I hated my life.

I think everything has it’s own pace. I have been through a lot of shit. Shit that made me feel like I did not belong to this world. That I needed to just dig a hole and go. This fight with my creator went on and on but everytime I pulled away there was always a rope pulling me back. Not a blessing just a feeling that I could not explain.

Let me not bore you with this journey, but see why God comes first in my list of priorities is not because I am saved or perfect or anything of the sort (I am the complete opposite *I think*… But He is my priority because in Him I found hope.

I bet now that you are reading this, you probably understand this whole Christianity thing…and I really hope that I have brought you up to be one. Because that’s the foundation of my everything…my rough paths, torn streets and golden gates.

I’m the least expected person to write on spiritual matters, but my prayer is that I bring you up in the way your grandmother brought me up…and even better.I don’t know if this makes sense to you…i hope it does.

Family. Your grandmother and I never got along well when I was an adolescent. Oh how we fought. She would beat me up in front of other kids. Living under a roof that had two teachers, it was inevitable to become disciplined. Either by beating or beating. But that’s not the point.
I’m just from having dinner with grandma,grandpa, your aunties and uncle. It’s something we do often but today was different. Me turning 30 is something quite emotional for all of us. For us to be where we are right now in life. Grandpa today just told us how much he sacrificed to put us in school. I’m here because this man worked for us. And I am doing the same for you.

I have come to learn that family is a unit that needs to stick together all the time. We have our differences but at the end of the day we stand together. When shit hits the fan family will always stand with you. That’s what my family nurtured me to believe in. That’s what has kept me going. We cry together. Laugh together. And I hope that’s the same thing that will be for us.

Friendship. Ha. Now here is where compromise comes in and reality of who we are starts to crop in. You know the passage, show me your friends and I will tell you who you are? Yes. Listen, you will not get the perfect friends immediately. In fact you might battle with betrayal. Heartbreaks. But you will overcome them. I have been betrayed by the closest of those I termed as friends. I have been heartbroken by those i thought I was falling in love with.

But you know what, you eventually move on. Life does not end there. You will dust yourself up and move on. I’m a strong woman. I cry a lot yes. But the strength in my genes will be the same strength in your genes. Don’t be a slave of emotions. Or a servant of hopelessness. No. Allow yourself to hurt and make the bold move to move on. Friends come and go…but those who stay are worth the while.

As I write this it is my prayer that the friends I have now will still be the same ones who will be with me as you read this. If not-then I guess when life gives us lemons we take a tequila shot…and continue sipping whisky or tea depending on what I will be drinking then.

Career. You better work your ass off. Nobody will hand you success. You must toil for it. Today I kept thinking of what I have gone through to get here.I have been fired once. I thought this would be the end of my life…but aggressive people go places. Don’t be scared to be confident. Don’t be scared to fail. Don’t apologise for being successful. Life is a cocktail of failures and achievements. Yes you will cry. You will make mistakes. But you will be fine.
The secret? Just don’t stop. Don’t be scared to take vacations on your own. You earned it. There were times I wished I could pay for just a dinner or lunch or even get money to do shopping for grandpa and grandma. I longed for it so bad that it became my motivation to work hard. Family was my motivator. To be a better person for them. And of course I realised that that which scares us; that which we admire and think we can’t get it, is just at the palm of our hands. We just need to cling to it by working hard.

Son this is for you. The life I live right now is what many picture as a man’s world. Maybe as you read this things will have changed. But my prayer is that I raise a man who looks beyond the skirt factor. A man who believes in equality.

Daughter. I pray that I raise a woman who if empowered does not look down on the man. A proverbs 31 kind of woman. A woman who acknowledges the gender equality space but does not use this to step on a man…but instead treats him as her peer.

Service. Don’t live this life aiming to just fulfill your life and to bless your family. Seek to serve the society and make it a better place for my grandkids and their kids. You would be surprised at how many volunteer programs I am in and I still get time to read books and watch movies.

If you want something to work out you make it work out. Don’t live this world and leave it without making it a better place. Mentor someone. Bless someone. Love those who feel that they can never be loved. Service is not easy because it comes from the heart, and matters of the heart are not easy-they are based on priorities.

I hope I raise you to see beyond your lives, and see the lives of those who need help. We all have a calling. Mine is to walk with girls here in Kenya and I hope that as I write this I have walked with girls across the globe. Fought and won for the rights of women.Mentored as many as possible. I bet you will get a calling too. Listen carefully to it and serve even at the youngest of age. Don’t wait to do this when you are 30 years.

So 30. I don’t know what’s in store for me. What I know is I thank God I am 30 now…at a time when He is blessing me even when I don’t think I deserve it. I know this 30 will come with it’s challenges. It’s tears. It’s heartbreaks and above all it’s blessings.

I have braced for the best. I hope 30 years from now when I read this I will look back and say that I have been molded into a woman of character and grace.

30 I welcome you.

30

He Will Know It is Him

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Sometimes I think of you

Of your lips

Your eyes that drill inside me

Kill my boredom and my awkward silence in my mind

Your eyes that awaken my heart

 

Sometimes I think of your lips

Not the way you kiss me

The way they move when you talk to me

Those pink lips whose colour kind of fascinates me

 

No I think it’s your touch

Not the gentle one, when you sometimes hold me

It’s the brush

The one I felt years ago when you touched my wrist

When you requested for that walk

 

Sometimes I think of this friendship

Sometimes the thoughts are intense

Other times they are just a quick breeze

A forced fascination of this incredibility

That sometimes I feel and other times feel nassing

 

Sometimes I wonder why we are like this

It’s like we are friends and then we are not

A convenience.

But you always said I am one of those.

You know. The true friends?

 

Sometimes I wish to see you maybe before I meet the one

Yes i do believe in those ones.

I used to believe in fairy tales

Days when i thought that maybe I could cross the sea to see you

 

I don’t know if you think of me

My silly humor which you keep saying you love

And I don’t think I am funny

 

I don’t know if you think of my clumsy nature

My unending conversations

My belief that I can protect you-and you look at my short me and laugh

I just miss our friendship

Maybe you sailed to play the violin more

Maybe a laid out plan for a romantic future

Which I would love to see you in.

As a friend wishes to see those they love happy leaving and living

With that which they call a forever mate

 

You were true

Still are I hope. The true nature of a man never eludes to show itself

I saw that. The true nature.

Maybe you might read this

Maybe you might not

The day/month/year you will read it

Give me a call.

Just know I wish you well.

To be honest I don’t miss you as a person

 

I think it’s your kindness

Your dedication to do good

Your humanity

That is rare to find

But mostly i think it is your recent found love in Christ

That goodness. That realness that is rare in our peers of the opposite sex.

Plus I can’t remember the last time I laughed with so much heart and tears

You had a way.

 

You will know it is you when you read this. I know my best friend does.