For the past four months I have been battling with what to write here. I had a lot to write about but I didn’t have the appropriate time to share. I write with my gut. It’s a good and a bad thing. Every time I wanted to post something…say out of an intuition to share, that particular situation changed. I guess it’s the right time?…or not but at least for the people who have been requesting me to write-I get to share something more so because some of you could relate.
I consider myself as an open book, and this post could be a bit personal but I hope it will be worth it.
Towards the end of last year, the final months of 2016 I think-yes I think I had some sort of depression. I would cry for no reason. Just in the house and no onions involved and I would be overwhelmed with emotions. It was terrible really. These are some of the things which are hard to share. Conversations would be awkward.
Me: Hey XX
XX: Hey Corrie, Wassup.
Me: So I’m so emotional. I keep crying all the time.
XX: Oh I’m sorry wassup?
Me: Nothing. I just cry for no reason.
XX: Ahh okaaaaaayyyy
XX:Is there something wrong? Someone hurt you? Anything?
Me: No everything is perfectly fine. I just feel empty and then I cry.
Anyway I found it difficult to share. I was the most jovial chatty person in a room yet deep down I was destroyed by emptiness. It sucked! I would deactivate(a couple of times) my Facebook/Instagram accounts because it pissed me off to see how happy people were online and yet I was sulking in nothingness.
I got to share on my Facebook, sometime in December and some close friends reached out. Fast forward to January, I got to spend time with my closest friends in Nyeri and Naromoru. It was an eye opener for me. Most of all I think one of the people who contributed to bringing back my sanity was one of my great friends G. He really encouraged me-sometimes not even knowing what was up with me. But he was there. To make me laugh, tease me and just be my friend. That was special.
You know how you toy with an idea and seek clarity within yourself to see if you can embrace an idea? And then someone comes along and everything is crystal. That’s what happened. I decided to make it official with my maker and that’s one decision which changed my life completely.
Clarity is a good thing but it stings when it becomes so real that it defines your environment. Breaks the norms. Scares you because you are uncertain of the future. It was never my intention to break away from some social circles-it just got to a point when I realised that damn Corrie, you are not a priority in those who you considered dear. I will not lie to you, we come up with all these friendship quotes of defining best friends and letting go those who are not worth your time/life, but when you realise that you are the one on the other side it pricks! But I guess that’s the path I chose. You see when you embrace change, and a fraction of your culture changes, not many people will walk with you. When you were always the life of the party, the cheerleader and you realise that no one is there to cheer for you, you start walking a different direction. I love people. But I have just learnt to love myself first. I may end up being there for each and every person in my life but if I am not there for me, then I might probably go back to that empty hole.
This journey has taught me to be real with people. Say no. Say yes. Claim that which is mine. Define my intentions in things. Exclusively express myself whenever I feel I need to. Have no apologies when it comes to prioritising myself if need be.
A friend of mine told/asked me… Corrie you are a people’s person, but would you rather have so many friends or have very few who intimately know you and genuinely love you without motives? Of course I would rather have a few but this does not mean that I won’t try to be there for those who I possibly don’t consider close. Why I’m I talking about friends-because I think they define our environment/life. Cliche as it may sound it’s just one of those things which I’m learning. A journey of friendships. Some of you could relate. Again we like to define and give titles to friendships-God knows I love to do this, but lately I am trying so hard not to define them but to just know who is in my corner. To know who I cherish and who deserves my time. Years don’t define friendship, let that not yoke you to glorify people. ‘Tumetoka mbali’ ideologies. I have turned down so many hook ups just to be alone in a movie theater and it is damn refreshing! I always thought I loved my time, but now I know how to cherish it. Don’t be scared to be alone. The right people in your life will come through. Don’t be scared to be real. Don’t be scared to lose out on opportunities because you have to fake it, just be real. Don’t be scared to keep your achievements to yourself and those who matter. Nowadays I don’t find the need to share especially if I feel like I’m forcing myself to share. Don’t be scared to only share your worries with a few people. The moment you do you… and listen to you that’s the moment your journey of refreshment starts. All in all don’t let pride take over your life-Article for another day 🙂
Clarity and wisdom can come from everywhere, but choose to sieve and pray for your own clear path.
Why haven’t I written for 5 months? Because I had nothing to say yet a lot to share.
My clean slate? A new journey. Is it easy? Hahaha hell NO! But as my heart guides and as God wills. Chin up! You got this!
FYI: Check out my interview on NTV, Victoria’s Lounge.