Fighting The Guilt. UN-Inspired!

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Today was just one of those days! You know the ones you don’t want to feel inspired. Or talk to anyone?

No one hurt you. You just feel lifeless!

Like a wound that doesn’t hurt but makes you numb.

You try some soliloquy on different social media sites.

But still nothing!
So I had a conversation over the weekend with a friend on some sort of battles

‘Hence this write up’
Like I keep hitting a snag

I need a way around but I am still stuck

Stuck with this bug that I keep going back to…

You know when you are in a hole.

But there is light and warmth.

Yet inside you, you feel dark?

Smiles on the outside

But numbness on the inside?

Chasing and spending on irrelevance?

Shadowed by the unnecessary?

Clouded by living in a moment?

Yet guilty thoughts crowd you?

He told me to pray.

But sometimes I forget how to

I haven’t talked to my maker in a while

Well maybe through music

Have you ever felt like this?

Oh well…

Writing makes me feel that even numb wounds can heal

That emptiness can be filled

Filled with that which you seek

You can heal from your guilt

From your mistakes

And sometimes sharing is hard

So this is me;

Shining a light to those who have felt like this

Who are still feeling like this

It’s okay to have bad days

Because healing takes time…

And when it comes,

Healing will put you at ease

And peace will reign.

I hope my days brighten up!

@corriemwende #MissWriter

30 I Welcome You.

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It’s 22:30, 12th September. Tomorrow I turn 30…(but for most of you reading this are probably reading it on the 13th-or an after date).

I’m not writing because I feel inspired to write tonight. No. I just feel like there are things I have learnt in my three decades here on earth that would be worth sharing to my unborn kids.

I don’t know if God will bless me with kids. But I believe in His promises and believe He has the best in store for me. So if you are reading this son and daughter then God’s promise has come true. If not then the kids of this world will get to pick something from my life.

Dear Son and Daughter,

Hi. Okay the thought of having kids just made my heart skip a bit. By the time you are reading this, probably blogs will be so outdated and if the webs would occupy dust and cobwebs then likely that’s what will happen to this blog. I hope the literature on such platforms becomes like a scroll you would hunt to get some wealth of knowledge.

So I am turning 30. They call it third floor. Scary to believe that I have grown to this age. Brave to see what the world holds for me. Challenged to be a better woman.

I don’t feel old. Not yet. I feel like life has just begun for me. The past three years of my life have been rough but a blessing too.

There are five things that have become such a priority for me. God. Family. Friendship. Career. Service.

At some point I battled with my Christianity. I was fighting with so many social demons. Fighting with this God who was not blessing me. My friends at the time were doing so great and I admired how independent one could be. I hated my life.

I think everything has it’s own pace. I have been through a lot of shit. Shit that made me feel like I did not belong to this world. That I needed to just dig a hole and go. This fight with my creator went on and on but everytime I pulled away there was always a rope pulling me back. Not a blessing just a feeling that I could not explain.

Let me not bore you with this journey, but see why God comes first in my list of priorities is not because I am saved or perfect or anything of the sort (I am the complete opposite *I think*… But He is my priority because in Him I found hope.

I bet now that you are reading this, you probably understand this whole Christianity thing…and I really hope that I have brought you up to be one. Because that’s the foundation of my everything…my rough paths, torn streets and golden gates.

I’m the least expected person to write on spiritual matters, but my prayer is that I bring you up in the way your grandmother brought me up…and even better.I don’t know if this makes sense to you…i hope it does.

Family. Your grandmother and I never got along well when I was an adolescent. Oh how we fought. She would beat me up in front of other kids. Living under a roof that had two teachers, it was inevitable to become disciplined. Either by beating or beating. But that’s not the point.
I’m just from having dinner with grandma,grandpa, your aunties and uncle. It’s something we do often but today was different. Me turning 30 is something quite emotional for all of us. For us to be where we are right now in life. Grandpa today just told us how much he sacrificed to put us in school. I’m here because this man worked for us. And I am doing the same for you.

I have come to learn that family is a unit that needs to stick together all the time. We have our differences but at the end of the day we stand together. When shit hits the fan family will always stand with you. That’s what my family nurtured me to believe in. That’s what has kept me going. We cry together. Laugh together. And I hope that’s the same thing that will be for us.

Friendship. Ha. Now here is where compromise comes in and reality of who we are starts to crop in. You know the passage, show me your friends and I will tell you who you are? Yes. Listen, you will not get the perfect friends immediately. In fact you might battle with betrayal. Heartbreaks. But you will overcome them. I have been betrayed by the closest of those I termed as friends. I have been heartbroken by those i thought I was falling in love with.

But you know what, you eventually move on. Life does not end there. You will dust yourself up and move on. I’m a strong woman. I cry a lot yes. But the strength in my genes will be the same strength in your genes. Don’t be a slave of emotions. Or a servant of hopelessness. No. Allow yourself to hurt and make the bold move to move on. Friends come and go…but those who stay are worth the while.

As I write this it is my prayer that the friends I have now will still be the same ones who will be with me as you read this. If not-then I guess when life gives us lemons we take a tequila shot…and continue sipping whisky or tea depending on what I will be drinking then.

Career. You better work your ass off. Nobody will hand you success. You must toil for it. Today I kept thinking of what I have gone through to get here.I have been fired once. I thought this would be the end of my life…but aggressive people go places. Don’t be scared to be confident. Don’t be scared to fail. Don’t apologise for being successful. Life is a cocktail of failures and achievements. Yes you will cry. You will make mistakes. But you will be fine.
The secret? Just don’t stop. Don’t be scared to take vacations on your own. You earned it. There were times I wished I could pay for just a dinner or lunch or even get money to do shopping for grandpa and grandma. I longed for it so bad that it became my motivation to work hard. Family was my motivator. To be a better person for them. And of course I realised that that which scares us; that which we admire and think we can’t get it, is just at the palm of our hands. We just need to cling to it by working hard.

Son this is for you. The life I live right now is what many picture as a man’s world. Maybe as you read this things will have changed. But my prayer is that I raise a man who looks beyond the skirt factor. A man who believes in equality.

Daughter. I pray that I raise a woman who if empowered does not look down on the man. A proverbs 31 kind of woman. A woman who acknowledges the gender equality space but does not use this to step on a man…but instead treats him as her peer.

Service. Don’t live this life aiming to just fulfill your life and to bless your family. Seek to serve the society and make it a better place for my grandkids and their kids. You would be surprised at how many volunteer programs I am in and I still get time to read books and watch movies.

If you want something to work out you make it work out. Don’t live this world and leave it without making it a better place. Mentor someone. Bless someone. Love those who feel that they can never be loved. Service is not easy because it comes from the heart, and matters of the heart are not easy-they are based on priorities.

I hope I raise you to see beyond your lives, and see the lives of those who need help. We all have a calling. Mine is to walk with girls here in Kenya and I hope that as I write this I have walked with girls across the globe. Fought and won for the rights of women.Mentored as many as possible. I bet you will get a calling too. Listen carefully to it and serve even at the youngest of age. Don’t wait to do this when you are 30 years.

So 30. I don’t know what’s in store for me. What I know is I thank God I am 30 now…at a time when He is blessing me even when I don’t think I deserve it. I know this 30 will come with it’s challenges. It’s tears. It’s heartbreaks and above all it’s blessings.

I have braced for the best. I hope 30 years from now when I read this I will look back and say that I have been molded into a woman of character and grace.

30 I welcome you.

30

He Will Know It is Him

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Sometimes I think of you

Of your lips

Your eyes that drill inside me

Kill my boredom and my awkward silence in my mind

Your eyes that awaken my heart

 

Sometimes I think of your lips

Not the way you kiss me

The way they move when you talk to me

Those pink lips whose colour kind of fascinates me

 

No I think it’s your touch

Not the gentle one, when you sometimes hold me

It’s the brush

The one I felt years ago when you touched my wrist

When you requested for that walk

 

Sometimes I think of this friendship

Sometimes the thoughts are intense

Other times they are just a quick breeze

A forced fascination of this incredibility

That sometimes I feel and other times feel nassing

 

Sometimes I wonder why we are like this

It’s like we are friends and then we are not

A convenience.

But you always said I am one of those.

You know. The true friends?

 

Sometimes I wish to see you maybe before I meet the one

Yes i do believe in those ones.

I used to believe in fairy tales

Days when i thought that maybe I could cross the sea to see you

 

I don’t know if you think of me

My silly humor which you keep saying you love

And I don’t think I am funny

 

I don’t know if you think of my clumsy nature

My unending conversations

My belief that I can protect you-and you look at my short me and laugh

I just miss our friendship

Maybe you sailed to play the violin more

Maybe a laid out plan for a romantic future

Which I would love to see you in.

As a friend wishes to see those they love happy leaving and living

With that which they call a forever mate

 

You were true

Still are I hope. The true nature of a man never eludes to show itself

I saw that. The true nature.

Maybe you might read this

Maybe you might not

The day/month/year you will read it

Give me a call.

Just know I wish you well.

To be honest I don’t miss you as a person

 

I think it’s your kindness

Your dedication to do good

Your humanity

That is rare to find

But mostly i think it is your recent found love in Christ

That goodness. That realness that is rare in our peers of the opposite sex.

Plus I can’t remember the last time I laughed with so much heart and tears

You had a way.

 

You will know it is you when you read this. I know my best friend does.

Girls. Fitting in and GROWING UP

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These Nairobi streets can be harsh. Harsh with its standards. Many wouldn’t believe this but I struggled so much to fit in with my peers. This was my early and mid 20’s. (I know i make it sound like i am so old LOL).

I struggled to be a cool person. Come to think of it, this did not start when i got into my twenties. Back in Primary school i tried so hard to fit in that i faked fainting and epilepsy, God forgive me. Ilikua Ujinga.

In High school best way i knew to fit in was go to all extremes with entertainment events. I was not in a popular sport but i loved playing it, and today i still obsess over it. Basketball. I never wanted to be popular really, that I left it to the light skin girls,(no offence it was just a wrong stereotype back then), I just wanted to be seen. I did manage to do that, but as a crazy person. Things I did.

Sigh. In university i participated in almost all activities, main sport, basketball; singing/dancing competitions, I even once modelled for Mr and Miss KEMU.

The real struggle came when i got into the real world. I was always keen to impress my peers. My mitumba ( Still love mitumba stuff) high heels which i easily accessed at Ngara did not do me any justice, to say the least.

I was that girl who for all events whether sporty or gala-ish, would wear heels. They would kill me. I would walk with the heels till the heel wore off one side and would glide through town in pain. The heat in foot inside the heel and the uncomfortable shoe which all of a sudden had become a size 4 from a size 5. (Ever experienced that? You buy a shoe, it fits then later the size miraculously decreases smh).

I was a yes person. I even made up lies to my ‘back then’ friends of cool parties i was in, while i was at home huddled reading a book or repeating an episode of one tree hill or prison break.

I remember as a Teacher in Practice at State House Girls i loathed the idea of telling people that my undergraduate was a degree in Education. It just did not seem trendy. So i lied and lied. All to fit in.

The sycophant ideology of ‘close friends’ was a story which would change depending on who i talked to;just to seem cool.

Through out my career say 2010-2012 I had a bunch of misplaced priorities. Full of scattered opinions and hardly no principles.

I was once a worship leader in my then home church(yes i see you laughing and grinning with skepticism), but that wasn’t cool enough. It just did not sync with my night time activities which was serious partying.

My past articles (some) between those years were a bit naive and silly. I would jump at any opportunity to have a boy take me out for coffee and damn did i struggle in the heels.

I would worry over not replied texts, and would jump into conclusions of feeling unwanted.

I was one of those girls who after the first date would conclude that we are now officially an item, and if my art skills would be anything to go by, i would  have a premonition of some sort-a portrait of the two of us, our babies and our house.

I made stupid mistakes. A time reached when i started to lose my confidence. I would hardly hang out in cool places.(read tackos, then some club at Kenya Cinema, concerts, meet ups etc) I had a bad acne which made me feel like i would not be accepted in any cool circle.

I am so happy that social media was not as vibrant as it is right now because, i would probably be one of those girls who walked into buoart, get half naked pictures with flawless skin and post them all over, send them to bloggers and have ghalfa highlight ‘New socialite in Town’. ‘Guess what Corrie did over the weekend’..things like that-so as to gain confidence or whatever gratification comes with that.

I would probably transition from a socialite to a TV personality to a foodie which would give me the title of a wife material and ‘influencer’ in these streets.

I remember when a friend took me to java for the first time in 2012, i panted through the menu, ‘What are all these things?’ I wondered. Not because i was poor or anything, but because i had misplaced priorities. I would waste money in other stupid things like cheap KK, Naps or liquor that would easily freeze my liver.

Anyway, fitting in is a real thing. And its a stupid thing.

I’m in a metamorphosis of growth(these past three years) and with each day I learn something new.

I have come to love my own company. Family comes first, God by default is always first (now). I valued friends too much-but now I value, only those who build me otherwise it’s never that serious.

I’m confident to ask a guy out for coffee or a beer or  whisky, with no bad intentions, just a chat and a good hangout. I don’t really fret about heels. I wear them whenever i feel like. I can go to a club in my pajamas. And yes i have done that. Just because i felt like. I dress up for some events, because i want to feel beautiful for me, not because some guy will spot me or some lady will feel jealous and want to be me.

Side news: So i recently bought my first pair of boots-Like a month ago. Now i think i will get obsessed.

I have no apologies for opinions.

In the society we live in, we are expected to do things according to what is trending or according to what the society thinks is right or cool.

Women are not really expected to be independent and people who set their own trends. Girls are expected to have a particular lifestyle to attract cool friends and boys.

Maybe i am getting in way over my head with this confidence, but it’s a harsh world. A harsh city which will never hush on how you live. But don’t get me wrong i am one of the most emotional mammals alive.

Things i used to care for like pleasing people, no longer bothers me. I am scared of hurting people though, and try hard not to be that person who does such intentionally.

Dear Girls,

Care for people’s opinions, only if they build you. If toxic conversations occur, then stride away. Care for the little humbling joys of life, like your mum/dad/guardian/brother/sister taking you out for your first fancy dinner to that Ksh 100/200/300 Mpesa from a loved one(because it’s all they have).

Care for the happy moments when all you did was laugh till your tears would hold no more and all you did was walk away to contain your mucus lining in the stomach. Care for that moment a loved one tells you that they are proud of you but can not give you a gift to show it, but mere words.  Care for those who seek to build you with words not tear you down with their opinions of your life.

Love hard. Cry hard if it hurts.

Treat yourself for a fancy dinner on and off. Enjoy your own company. Don’t be scared to do what makes you comfortable and happy. If you want that big ass wedding do it. If you want to elope do it. If you want your kid to have a natural afro hair do it. If you love mitumba high heels, wear them, walk with your head high. Post it on Instagram, we will double tab, and if we don’t do you. Eat that mutura. If you don’t like it, then grab that chicken from KFC or Chicken inn hell walk into into Sankara enjoy that meal. Drink that expensive cocktail. Don’t have a car, ride that boda boda if you feel safe, if not walk with confidence-take pictures of the streets and show us your hood because you are proud of it, whether it is the high end estate or a ghetto that makes you appreciate life and want to become a great woman. Read that book that tells you how to become a better woman (however obnoxious and fake the literature may sound) read it because it’s what makes your heart leap. If you love to cook post those chapatis and difficult to pronounce recipes, do it because, that to you gives you satisfaction. So what you are a light skin, embrace it aggressively. So what you are a dark skin, work it!

Take life in small doses. Live it as you can, for you. Not for other people. Because life is what is is. And the beauty about it, is its all about choices. Enjoy it. Cherish it.

Don’t do it, because you want to please us, or fit in do it because you love it.

But above all be you. Inspire More. Don’t grow alone. Take a girl under your wing and mentor her. Let’s continue to build Kenya one woman at a time.

I’m just a 29 year old; learning more about me; Learning to love me more; easily getting rid of the negative people and vibes in my life; Working hard more; Achieving more; loving family more; Loving God more in the best way I can.

My mistakes made me become the person I am today.