It’s a pity
There is nothing that gives me more peace in my life than being real with myself. The thing that kills most of us inside is our conscience and always lying to ourselves that we can deal with the bad things that influence our growth, physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially. It’s a pity that I came to realize all this too late, but better late that never.

If I had not realized the peace of killing the negative things in my life that always stunted my growth in all ways I don’t know where I would be right now. So where do I start… Corrie to many people is someone who has changed, and to my real close friends is someone who has taken a huge turn for the better at least that is what they tell me…J . I have a past that makes me so sick; it all started in campus where I had this urge to fit in, have fun, get a perfect boyfriend and maybe become popular.

Drinking, smoking, having sex they were all norms of my life and my motto being ‘live life to the fullest!’, which I really enjoyed, I was in fact popular, the girl you would never fail to find in the bars, the girl who was always flexible whenever plans popped up to go out raving. I was so obsessed with all this partying that even during the holidays; hardly would a weekend pass without getting into a fight with my parents. Back then I thought that I was all grown up to do what I wanted, and would defy all rules to just get out of the house for a weekend with ‘friends’. I loved it totally especially because I would get to meet many people ,make many friends, some were even popular people in the entertainment scene and all this made me feel like I was living in the fast lane, hmmm how awesome I thought all that was. One thing I will always be grateful for, is my mother who is a very prayerful woman, and those prayers helped in the sense of, in all these escapades and partying I never had sex with strangers, fine I used to misbehave but I know realize that there were angels around me to hold me back whenever the ecstasy in my hormones shot up like high temperature in a thermometer.

I was not an alcoholic but I always had this yearn to just be rebellious and want to be as cool as my ‘friends’ were. On clearing campus again my mother’s prayers paid off and I got a job in a media house under the ministry of education where I still am. I had no boyfriend which now I thank God for but back then I did not see how I could stay without one. I still defied rules and went out with my ‘friends’ the thing that I had really forgotten is that I had had a second chance to shape my life my career, but  I always postponed the things that would build me. Instead of writing or singing which I love most and believe that am good at, I always did use my money to ‘treat’ my friends to drinks, just to get myself a good name amongst them and still to become popular.

 I remember I was always the first one to come up with ‘plots’ to go out maybe road trips and make sure that I drained myself money that I did not even have some to take care of myself, you know for grooming and getting nice things for myself. It’s a pity that I was so blind. So as the months went on my ‘friends’ got a ‘LIFE’ I was still there trying to get new friends who I could hang out with because I was so stupid to realize that I was growing up and I needed to get a life and make something out of it. I knew that it hurt my parents to see what I was becoming and right now when I think of how I was a waste to myself and to my parents I just feel like crying. I had a best friend at least I thought I did, I had a couple of them in fact, friends who I would count on, they were real, until and they ‘grew up’ realized that life is short and they had to better themselves. I was left all alone, always asking for cash from them. It really makes me sick to remember that the money I used to ‘kopa’ was for drinking, (talk of misplaced priorities and lack of class, especially from a girl) I now wish that I was creative enough and ask money which would be a base for establishing my music or something like that or better yet work hard for my own money!!

There is something about human beings, they get tired when you become a nuisance in their lives always nagging asking for cash, that they themselves know that you will go waste it in a bar or something. So almost all my ‘friends’ disappeared. Always too busy for me, ‘ata salamu ilikua shida, kureply sms shida’ it hurt me and I used to rant about it (like it helped?? Nkt) Getting the perfect boyfriends, perfect jobs ,perfect everything in Iife ,it made me sick, jealous and in fact I deleted them from my life thinking that they were now ‘flossing’ because they got themselves good lives. It had still not occurred to me that I needed to grow up. It really makes me sad to realize how naïve and how my priorities were misplaced.  So I ended up losing friends and I think to some point that was a good thing because in my solace I realized that I had a lot of potential in my life. So just being alone and trying to do my thing: production, writing, reporting, I managed to produce an educational talk show of 13 episodes ‘EDU QUEST’ of course with a lot of help from the production crew.

For me that was a major step up and that is when I realized that if I focused in building my life for the better I would be a better person. But in all that ‘glory’ I realized one thing that I still had not killed the urge to prove myself to people instead of proving to myself that I was changing for the better. So I started reconnecting with all these ‘friends’ who had bailed on me, trying to show them how I was making the best out of my career, and always wanting to update them on my life’s happening, sad huh? (Like they cared..) Something I had not realized was that, the best way to determine you are heading places, is when you prove to yourself that you are on the right path. I always did try to make them see that we were now on the same level and we could still ‘roll’ together like in the old days. I came to realize that your own victory will never make sense to people who care less about you.

I am saying this with a lot of bitterness because some of this ‘friends’ were actually my ‘true friends’ but even in my achievements it did not mean anything to them. (so its true what they say we learn through the hard way). I went back to the same old life but now ‘doing my thing’ in a mild way, cutting out the jungle adventure that I was always involved in. I hurt myself a while back when I actually got intimate with one of ‘friends’ ex- boyfriend, why  I did that I still don’t know, lets just say its stupidity. It hurt her and it did hurt me too but there is always one thing I came to realize ,out of every bad thing something good comes out of it, from that moment when I actually messed up I realized that It was time I quit acting like a baby and playing games that only people without a life would, so I decided to apologize ,humbly, and I remember vividly that particular night I called a couple of people apologized because in my fast lane life I had hurt a couple of my ‘friends’ I knew that it would not change what I had done, but I knew that it would bring peace in my heart and that I would could move on without having things holding me back. I thank God for all that because I accepted that I was stupid and I needed to build a life of my own, hey who does not want to have a good life.

Am not saying that life is perfect for me, I have a lot of weaknesses, but I try my best to live with a clear conscience and also try to be wise enough to know that our actions, choices and decisions make us become what we are and it is only us who can make our lives something worthwhile. Am proud of my later decisions, my mum is my best friend; my sisters are the best things in my life. Am glad all these things happened because I have come to realize that it’s MY TIME. Make 2012 your year its never too late second chances are there for a reason prove to yourself that you can be the best. J