MAKE OVER OPPORTUNITY
Human beings are a work in progress, that is what we all believe, in fact it is a fact indeed, and that is why some of us are always finding the need to want to change other people so that they may suit our choice and type of people in our lives.
‘I will change him, she might be a drug addict, but once she is with me, I will change her’ ‘he is a womanizer but once she falls in love with me, the bad habits will all drain away’ ‘he is always walking out on me, and at times treats me badly, but it is because he has never learnt to be in a relationship’ ‘she has not yet learnt where to place the barriers when it comes to men, but she is learning, I know she will change’
This is what most of us say when we get into relationships when we already know the faults that are there, don’t get me wrong no one is perfect, but we are all guilty of this, for every man or woman in a relationship there is always the need to want to improve the other. I am a victim of this, I was in a relationship a while back, and most people would tell me to get out of it, that the guy was not good for me. I got advice from all corners of my various circles of friends, but I knew that this was an opportunity for me to change this guy, because hey that is what we human beings are there for, to mould the cracks, plaster them and ‘streamline’ behaviors and vices in other people.
I was the best girlfriend, okay lets say I did my best to maintain the relationship and even put up with enough crap, but it all changed when one evening I was slapped by the so ‘man’I loved, it was like a nightmare, I mean I have never seen any battering in my life, I used to read about it, watch it in movies, but it was never something that was vivid in my life until that fateful night. The moment I got hit, I felt deprived all of my dignity, considering it was in front of people, it was so humiliating to hear people gossiping everywhere about my ordeal. The funny thing was that I still went back to this guy because I did not know him as someone who would hit a lady and I assumed it was because of the liquor, I knew he would change because oh my you should have seen the apology he made…
Life went on as usual, eyebrows were raised all over with many people wondering what was wrong with me, I really did not care much about their opinions, I knew that my goal was to change him. He never hit me again but hey he cheated on me, threw a couple of mistreatments here and there. It took a lot of courage and loving myself to get out of this relationship, I realized that there is much more momentum in a movement to want to change someone that in just a single human being, and I was not going to sit around and be ‘super woman’ while I got drained all of my self esteem.
Most of us ,not just only in boy-girl, husband wife, relationships but also in father child relationships mother child relationship, and many other relationships in our lives, we want to make makeover opportunities for those we claim to love. Can I change another person? That is what most of us drill in our minds, the need to revolve our happiness and settling it in changing other people. Lesley Garner quotes ‘Of course people can change, of course people can be redeemed by love, of course people can flower and grow with the right person by their side, but that is usually because they decide to reclaim themselves. It can’t be done by force’
The issue of changing another person to suit our well being is usually brought about by compromise, we compromise ‘enough’ and then after being ,maybe fed up, feel the urge to change this particular person. See the very first character we learn first hand about people, is usually never the actual characteristic about them so we get to learn people by relating, but that’s why man is very different from animals, because we have the ability to reason and be wise in our judgments which comes hand in hand with our instincts. Some of you might disagree but this is the truth of the matter, once we get into relationships we can easily note the various vices in our ‘loved ones’ and it all goes back to choices, ‘can I deal with this, will it affect me?’ ‘I will know how to deal with it’
Some things we can compromise with but like I say, know the level of your compromise, let it not under weigh your need for comfort and happiness. At times I sit back and say to myself, all this is in my opinion, ‘why not spare myself all that trouble and pain in trying to change this person, at the very moment before I get on board with someone in a relationship? But some will argue ‘life doesn’t need to be all or nothing with no safety net, it can be a trial and error!!’
As we all try to be personal and behavior make over artists, let’s keep in mind that, yes personal change can happen, but as a result of strength, clear boundaries and love, but never through nagging and criticism. The urge to change and rescue difficult and damaged people might drag you down too. Remember waist deep in flowing water is not an easy task, how about throwing a stepping stone, one at a time, yes you will deal with all the instability but you will get there. Don’t get yourself into something you know you will never handle and end up bruising all your life. Last thing change starts with us, our personal lives.
Two delusions about changing the world, one- you are a martyr because you do everything on your own, two-is the fact that you are a hero and you need to do everything on your won. (Lesley Garner)