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  Fictional story/anthropology of a young man who when his dad left his family, he was left with many lingering questions on how to chart the chaotic course of masculinity and how to grapple with self-identity. But with Gods help, and inspiration from King David story, he never allowed himself to be defined by the dis-functionality. He let go the gal of bitterness and he entered into his destiny, charting the course of masculinity with Gods help. 

 

 Charting The Course Of Masculinity: CRAVING FOR FATHER AFFIRMATION
 ARTICLE BY  BALOZI BOB KEVIN

 
He was twenty when his father finally left his family. It wasn’t death, but rather he quit. It had probably been expected. But it was something that was dreaded. However he had turned violent, emotionally and physically. Their historical relationship had been frosty most of the time. Consequently he found himself being close to his Mom. Having received little affirmation that he was craving for, he would occasionally wonder why there was such strife.
They had argued a couple of times. The last time they argued he had been thrown off the streets. Found refuge in a loving couple home till he was able to find his way back. He had been accused of playing a role in his father’s deteriorating marriage. Consequently curses had been hurled at him. This coming from a father was too heavy for him to handle. He fell into depression and would eventually be diagnosed with ulcers. It’s amazing how a dad can give one life assignment or death by the words he alters or doesn’t.  He began growing in fear and tip toeing in life in the precept that things would never work out. 
Apparently a lot of people who grow up in violent homes subconsciously blame themselves and feel un-worthy of a better fate. One writer attributed this “arises from living parallel lives, an external life that take its natural course and an internal life where the secrets are hidden.”  When he was a child, his outside life had been filled with friends and fun and learning. But his internal life was full of uncertainty, anger and dread of ever looming violence from his dad. It affected his emotional well being. Indeed no-one can live two parallel lives with complete success, the two have to intersect. In his teenage life, the violence had dissipated, but now the ugly demons were back. This paradox of beneath the new and exciting life, and the old demons self-doubt and impending depression rearing their ugly heads again, were too heavy also for him to handle.
But now as he lay in his bedroom, busy working on his computer, on the other end, his dad was busy packing his belongings getting ready to leave the family that he had founded. All the years were just about to be blown to the smithereens. The tensions had reached fever pitch. He had endured his harshness with the hope that somehow one day he’d calm down and he would be able to know him better. He had prayed that he’d slow down and they could once again have a real father-son relationship. He had really craved for the affirmation from his dad. But his increasingly cold and frosty relationship deprived him off that. Later his dad eventually left.
It was a day that marked a new chapter in his life. A new chapter in that, he’d try and chart the course now this time, with no fear of torment. Although he felt at peace, His mind was raced up with crowds of questions. Who would announce to the young man of what he’d become? Which was a dad role; he wondered how he’d encourage himself and be there for his mom and siblings. Who would explain to him how to chart through the chaos of masculinity and enter into his life purpose and destiny? At that point he began to understand how it was real hard to be a man. Who would be there to coach him through the process and look him in the mirror and challenge him to not to give up? Who would be that compass that would help him navigate through the different stages and ages of masculinity? Who would look at the kid in him and See the king in him and pull it out into what he was destined to be? Who would look at him in the eye and see the king in him and that would make him control the kid in him? As his dad left, although he felt at peace, he wept over many losses that day. The way the enemy had choked his dad life, and watching daily it being snatched by satan made him grief. But another loss ached in his soul that day just as powerfully as any other. It may sound selfish, but as much as he mourned his dad departure and the route he had taken, he also mourned the loss of himself. As he lay there in his room and hear his dad leave for good, as a young man rambunctious, ready to take full mantle of manhood, he realized that he had lost a personal battle to get what he had craved for all his life, the full affirmation of his dad. Although he knew he couldn’t force him to give him if he didn’t want to, he had always hoped against hope that one day he would receive it. This was not to be. He had wanted him to change so that he’d ask him many questions. What was it like to be married? What was it like to become a father?
With his dad gone, he felt like it was a conversation on a cell phone in which the signal is abruptly terminated and he was left in mid-sentence holding the rest of my thoughts inside. He was haunted for days and weeks to follow and would see his image at home, at school, virtually everywhere. The experience was worse especially since he left when he was tackling his terminal exams.  But eventually his image began to fade. With time, his memory slowly began to erase the sharp clarity of the image, leaving him with a soft-focus frame of this man. And what of the pain? He would keep waiting for time to ease that acute feeling, but that deep sense of loss remained. He felt so much had been left undone. The frosty relationship made sure that he never got much of the blessings.
In essence he remembered that most men are either trying to live up to their father’s expectation or make up for their father’s mistakes.” He had read John Kennedy voluminous biography where the former President was living to fulfil his aging dad expectations. George W. Bush was living up to his father’s expectations and George H.W. Bush probably was too. Nixon and Reagan were embarrassed by their father’s mistakes. Gerald Ford was adopted and Bill Clinton’s father was killed before Clinton was born and he eventually had frosty relationship with his violent dad too. Like Obama, Clinton developed role models outside the family unit
But as he remembered all that, he silently wished that God would intervene in his life to fill that role that had now been left wide. He began to ask himself, were there men in the Bible who came from dysfunctional families yet God modelled them to be of great use in His kingdom? Men who craved for daddy affirmation, but never got it, yet they didn’t remain stuck and went on to be great. He didn’t want to miss a kingly prophecy lest he remained playing with his kid’s toys-such as giving into the temptations of his childhood. Such can choke his life and he might detour from his destiny and God given purposes.
Many men like him are aching inside, their soul are trembling in anger and hurt and sorrow. He had been yearning for his father’s embrace, the scent of his cologne, and the spotlight of his attention. But it was too late. The clock had run out and he’d be left to find that comfort in spiritual fathers and other male relationships, in the process of being there for his siblings, relatives, his mom, and God-willing his future kids. There was a cry for a dad in his chest. And he realized that fathers have wounded too many a people by their quitting. As a result, he’d nurse emotions of anger, bitterness, revenge and even outright hate. Yet as he walked with God, he realized that heavy baggage was too much a burden to carry; it derailed his future; it held his destiny from coming to fruition.
Days later as he was still grappling to come to terms of his dad departure, it was at that point that God ministered to him by pointing out a reference to King David. The eighth son of Jesse, he was rejected by his dad and ill-treated by his brothers. By studying King David’s life from cradle to the grave, He got challenged by his strength, inspired by his anointing and he learned of his failures as the text was clear about all those life stages of the great King. He was moved by God remarks of “spotting a man who was after His own heart” even when David was still a young boy. This he’d discover that God called him a man, when he was still a boy because He had the power to make the young boy to become a great man. He’d later be inspired by how David story of the chaos, crises and the conquering power of masculinity. King David had a tremendous struggle with his father Jesse. He learnt of how Jesse’s eighth son whom his dad didn’t like, yet God promoted him to be a king. Hence just like David strife between him and his father, which made young David to pant at the water brook after God, it would challenge him to seek God and involve him in every way.
He began by reading literature of how to improve himself as a man. He begun by spending time with men who had been in such situations and had overcome and gone ahead.
Oooh how God’s word brought light into his heart and illuminated him!  God would later assure him that he wasn’t an orphan-(John 14) that he wouldn’t be deprived off the parental love that he had so much craved for. His family line had been full of divorces, domestic violence and separations. Since he was seeking God with all his heart, he resolved all that will end up with him. No more of would he allow dys-functionality to creep again in his family line. With his Heavenly father’s help he would resolved that if God blessed him with a family, he’d raise them up in Godly laws and it would an atmosphere of un-conditional love. Thus with his heavenly father affirmation, he would chart his course of masculinity with the help of many men of God whom God would bring onto his life. They would supplement the relational vitamins he didn’t get on his journey. He began to understand that the parents he had were then ones God choose, and no matter how he felt, they were custom-designed with God’s plans in mind, and they bore the master seal’s. He now understood that no trauma that he faced was easy, and that God wept too that it hurt so. But it was allowed to shape his heart, so that in His likeness he’d grow. He now saw he was here for a reason, he had been formed by the master’s rod. He was who he was because, him being beloved, there was a God. God was indeed faithful and loving!
So how did he begin to heal?
He began by talking it. He looked at the wounds of his paternal dad and other male figures that he had seen hurt people and he began to examine why it had been so hard to receive for them to receive their blessings. He began to uncover the wound and the holes in his chest and assess their shapes, sizes, their depth and width as well as intensity. He discovered if he didn’t do that, then it would be difficult to know how to approach his needs for the healing process. He vowed not to supress his feelings. The only way to confront reality was not to suppress it or ignore it, but confront it like a man!
                      
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